Dealing with Unsupportive Friends
When I first decided to stop drinking alcohol (for health reasons), some of my closest friends decided this just wasn’t good enough. Despite the fact I was just as much fun without the champagne coursing through my veins (I thought so anyway!) and never made a big deal of ordering mineral water instead of booze, eventually these friends just couldn’t deal with the fact I wasn’t joining in on the “fun” and stopped inviting me out.Eventually, months down the track, some of the girls did a 360 and started including me again – but many of them remained distant. This was a very interesting experience for me and made me really think deeply about the reasons I had chosen to abstain.I had a similar experience when I first flipped my diet on its head and decided to cut out things like wheat, gluten and sugar.All of the changes I was making in my life were really positive things for me. I’d had various health challenges over the years and the decisions I was making were empowering and exciting because they meant I could finally ditch my daily medication - happy days! My friends had always been supportive when I changed careers, or even switched partners, in the past. Why then, was saying no to bread and wine such a big deal?Interestingly, one of the most common excuses people give their trainers and health coaches for not sticking to their health (and particularly nutrition) goals is that their friends are alienating them, they don’t feel supported by those closest to them, or they feel like a “big weirdo” when they have to order special dishes at restaurants or say no to that glass of wine with dinner.If I had a dollar for every time a woman confessed they felt ashamed to tell their girlfriends they couldn’t share the same tapas dishes because they were avoiding gluten, or were “bullied” into drinking on a night out with their friends after revealing their desire for a booze-free evening, I’d be a very rich person.Even worse are the stories of friends who no longer invite you to social events, or distance themselves from you when you become a teetotaler.Why those closest to us feel the need to sabotage our health goals is a complex question – perhaps they’re a little jealous, maybe they feel judged, even if you would never think to impose your views or habits on them. Heck, maybe they just honestly don’t believe the path you’re taking is the right one for you and are concerned!In my opinion, a true friend will relish the opportunity to spend time with you, regardless of your choice of food or drink, what you wear, or how you’ve had your hair done. So if something as teeny-weeny as you not drinking sends them into a tiz, perhaps it’s time to have a little think about just why they’ve reacted as they have.Of course, the most important thing to do is manage your own headspace and ask yourself whether you’re going to let your friends attitudes and opinions impact your health. Once that’s done, it’s time to consider (calmly and objectively), how to deal with your girls.Below are a few ideas on why you’re getting such a strong reaction from your girlfriend/s and how you might remedy the situation…
She’s worried your relationship will change
The deal: You’ve gossiped over your favourite vintage every Friday night for years and girly movie dates have never been complete without a stash of choccies, cheese and crackers. She’s worried these traditions will fly out the window now the new, fit and healthy you is in the picture – and she doesn’t want to lose her best friend!What to try: Reassure her you’re still the same person you always were – just with better habits! Lock in post-work drinks and make an extra effort to be super engaging and fun while sipping on your Virgin Mary (yep, tomato juice is a great, low calorie drink base, woohoo!). Lock in a movie date and arrive at her house with a platter of freshly chopped veggies (green and red capsicum, carrot, cucumber, celery) and yummy veggie dips like hommus and baba ganoush, plus a little dark chocolate for good measure. She’ll feel as comfortable as ever and might even be convinced to join you on your quest for good health!
She’s jealous of the results you might achieve
The deal: Your virtuous choices may be getting under your friend’s skin because they’re a constant reminder of her own ability to indulge in unhealthy foods, or excess alcohol.What to try: Don’t try to work on her, or explain your choices to her – this may just make things worse! Rather, make a pledge with yourself to stick to your guns and be comfortable with the lifestyle choices you’ve made. Focus on you, accept responsibility for your own choices and let her do the same with hers.
She’s genuinely worried for you
The deal: She thinks your choices are extreme and is worried about you and your relationship with food/yourself.What to try: Sit her down and explain why you’ve made the choices that you have. Tell her how important this change is to you and how much you’d love her support in kicking your goals.
She just needs a little while to get used to the idea
The deal: Your new eating habits are different, you’re no longer up for the all-night benders of the past and you’re off to bed earlier than usual to make sure you rise ‘n’ shine in time for your fitness class. These are pretty big changes to deal with and she just needs a little bit of time to digest them all.What to try: Don’t pressure her into accepting your new ways and certainly don’t start the journey with grand expectations of your friends. This is your journey and you shouldn’t expect anyone but you to be super excited about it! Real friends will come around in time, just give them a little space.
She feels like you’re preaching to her
The deal: You’re so excited about the all-new, healthier you that you just can’t seem to stop talking about it. I mean, you feel SO fabulous and just want to share all your latest and greatest revelations about food, health and the evilness of alcohol with your girlfriends. You think they should have the opportunity to feel this good too and want nothing more than to enlighten them!What to try: Erm, pipe down you! It’s fine to share your excitement but try to imagine this situation in reverse. If your friend had just joined a new religious group, for example, you may be OK with her newfound dedication (I mean, if she says the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster really floats her boat, who are you to argue!?) but think about how you’d feel if she started hiding religious pamphlets in your handbag and lecturing you on your Atheist ways? We thought so…
It’s time to part ways…
The deal: She’s a party girl, you’re a newfound health nut and if you’re really honest with yourself, all you ever really had in common was a love of trashy nights on the town and recovery brunches!What to try: While there’s no reason you can’t still smoke up the dance floor with nothing but good ol’ H2O for fuel… and I can’t think of a metro café that doesn’t have at least a few healthy options for brunch these days… if your party loving, booze guzzling friend decides she’s not into your Perrier sipping ways and you’ve tried bonding with her unsuccessfully via other endorphin-boosting activities (try nature walks, or a day by the beach!), then it may be time to part ways. Hey, these things happen! Acknowledge the good times you’ve had together and gracefully move on. We’d love to know whether you’ve been on either side of the health divide yourself? Whether you’ve been the health nut with a dwindling friendship circle, or have found yourself being a little skeptical of a friend’s new healthy habits, please share your side of the story!